My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me logging onto twitter
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.