My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
This is the best one I’ve seen
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.