Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to