my first dose meeting my second
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
#DesignFail
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit