my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???