my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
💀💀
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
based
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside