Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.