[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.


Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.


It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.


Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what


I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.


Twitter is the government’s elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets


If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs


i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight