[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
This is my bus stop.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.