@nyquills

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

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@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@girl_a_whirl

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

@skickwriter

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

@TheDreamGhoul

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?