[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I am also baked goods
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*