Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Bike for sale

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak