My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.