My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My Guy
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!