Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.