My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific