My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Revenge served cold
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
