Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Just how popey was the pope today?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
God: you’re an elephant.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.