@omgthatspunny

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

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@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@ghostkrogh

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

@HatfieldAnne

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@behindyourback

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

@Big_Cat74

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.