I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands