Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit