My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Jurassic park gets weird
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream