My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂