Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Always a metermaid never a meter

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.