My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
his wife is probably gonna see that
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”