My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Watson was Holmes schooled
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
FINE, I WON’T.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
thinking about a very short hotdog
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks