My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem