my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The sacred texts.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Shoo shoo! 😂
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.