Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that