[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.