Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be careful

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

I beg you to euthanise me

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

SF is the wild wild west man

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..