My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.