My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Autocorrect completely socks
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on