My first son he is wonderful
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(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My dog ate my work from home.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Seek kebab; not attention