Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.