Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”