Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.