My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time