My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I miss this era type of pranks😭
😭😭😭
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws