Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Just a reminder, folks:

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Never mess with a drunken pig.