Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.