Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

He’s dead

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.