“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.