My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
love it when they get my name right
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
This billboard speaks to me
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”