My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
You Might Also Like
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.