My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.