My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
car not found
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.