Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

My wife gives the best headache.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

Phones down.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine