Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

repaired

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma