My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here