My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
A short story about romance.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.