My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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Well, this is awkward
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process