My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish