my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.