Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay