My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”