My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Jogging
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I cannot call her anything else now