My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.