Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

yeah not falling for this one

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.