Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

sugar glider wrangler