My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
