My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
me hooking up with my ex
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child