My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
The prophecy is fulfilled
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
😂🤣😂🤣
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
welp
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.