My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
you will never know the true number of layers
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
when someone rings the doorbell
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My god she’s good.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
This is the one
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage