My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Good morning
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Pickled cat.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
so weird how every mom was born today
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease