My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.