My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one