My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.