Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.