Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

😂

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you