Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.