My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.