My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me when my alarm goes off
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us